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Merge And Emerge

There is not a cohesive idea running through my head this morning. Let me share the pain:

What should I wear?
I don’t want to walk the dog in this cold.
I wonder if there will be enough snow at Mad River for Russell to enjoy himself this evening.
Is the spare room tidy?
Morning sex was a good idea.
Can my day progress without obsessing about food?
I wish all my pants were as soft and cozy as the sweats I’m wearing right now.

I could keep going, but I don’t want to run the risk of getting lost in the whirl of disjointedness. How can I exist in a place where I feel such clarity, and then bounce into this jumbled mess? Is it hormones, sugar, stress?

I’ve had a really challenging food week. It began as a result of poor planning, and then food screamed at me the rest of the week.

As I sit and try to string two or more cohesive sentences together, Lyle is firing stupid-ass questions my way that are more out of whack than the ones swirling around in my head. Do I really need to hop on someone else’s crazy train? Mine seems to be moving too fast to safely transfer.

I know I need to center and focus. I don’t need perfection, but I’m not happy with the place I landed. I think I found myself here by making (or not making) barely discernible poor choices. For instance, I noticed last week that I wasn’t quite happy with what I was eating. I bought some different things at the grocery, but they didn’t actually make it to the table. That’s not that big of deal, right? That feeling brewed all last weekend, and by Monday, I was hanging out at the snack cabinet.

The good news is that I refused to completely relinquish control, but the fact that I still skirt around that not-quite-binging, not-quite-eating-healthy place, really pisses me off. I know better.

I don’t want to experience five good weeks, and then have a lousy one. That sets the yo-yo in place. I’m mature enough to recognize the symptoms, but I haven’t really cut the string once and for all, which is what I would like to do. Maturity sucks.

Angela posted a comment about my before pictures last night so I took a look myself, and the pictures kind of caught me off guard. I remember the days those photos were taken. It was a painful time in my life. I don’t seem like the same girl, but it feels like she is trying to sneak into my head. How can I be startled by those photos? It was as if I felt like I was her all of a sudden, but I didn’t resemble her. Somehow she is not me and I am not her. How in the hell can I be talking about myself in the third person?

It is weird how I can still be so closely linked to the thoughts that existed in my head so many years ago. I would have hoped they would have disappeared with all the stretchy pants I tossed out after losing the weight. I suppose thoughts diminished, like the size of my ass, but they still linger.

Regardless of how I would like things to be different, the fact remains that I will probably always need to make mindfulness a priority in my life if I hope to be physically and mentally strong. I don’t think this is a mutually exclusive idea regarding weight loss or maintenance. I suppose I just need to accept it for what it is so I can coexist with myself. What do you think?

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2 Responses

  1. You know this has been bothering me for a long time. I have been heavy since junior high. I can’t remember going through a day and not thinking about food. Ah to be one of those that don’t obsess every minute about what when and how to eat.
    From our talk the other night I think that magical no thinkie about foodie day will never come, so…….Just make todays choices and go on.

  2. Maryann, I have also struggled with weight as long as I can remember. It doesn’t always seem fair that I spend such large amounts of time thinking about food, but I also know that I cannot erase 35 years of bad behaviors/relationships that I had with food and suddenly morph into someone who rarely even thinks about it. I will say it is much easier now than it once was. You are absolutely right about focusing on the the choices for today. When I string a whole lot of good todays together, I feel pretty darn good! There is no magical spell or pill – oh, how I wish there was, but I swear to you that it is all worth it…never do I want to return to the girl I was, and on days that I really struggle, I keep that in mind. You can do this. You have such a great attitude, and you are finding your answers as you go. This will illuminate your path.

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