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Massage Mantras

I treated myself to a massage this evening, came home to an empty house and wished the peace and calm to continue when my 16-year-old son walked through the door. I keep my expectations low interacting with a teenager. It’s best that way. Add to that gratitude for every little nugget he tosses my way, and it works into a pretty good mom mantra.

Back to the massage. I was nervous. I’m not fond of looking at my own body and to voluntarily make an appointment to have someone else not only see me in just my grunders, but to touch some of my least favorite parts makes my shoulders knot up just thinking about it.

I’ve had a few massages over the years and have learned to enjoy them; however, I was referred to this dude, and admittedly I was apprehensive since every other time I’ve gone for a massage it was with a woman, unless you count a really creepy experience during a facial a bazillion years ago when I was even less comfortable with my body than I am today. Anyway, I’d seen Tony for some neck issues during the last couple weeks, but this evening was going to be the first experience with only a sheet separating the two of us.

I knew looking around would distract me from why I was really there so I closed my eyes and practiced breathing. Note to self: figure out if something is psychologically wrong with me if I have to practice breathing. Regardless it went well, and I left feeling quite relaxed.

It’s feels good to face body image shit even though it makes me squirm, uncontrollably. I wonder at times if I will die worrying about the bulges on my thighs and dimples on my ass. What a waste. This evening though for an hour, my body was just a body, not good, not bad, but just a body touched by another in a healing way. It felt good.

I laid quietly, mostly at ease, and breathed, pushing away any thoughts of imperfections. I stayed in the moment and gave myself permission to simply be, and I appreciated the grace that blanketed me.

It makes me sad I don’t feel totally comfortable in the physical shell that totes me around so efficiently. It’s done well by me even when I treated it poorly carrying around a hundred extra pounds. It deserves more. Maybe that’s where I need practice – kindness and gratitude for my mere being. Perhaps the mantra I chant to keep my sanity around my son can be embraced by me, for me. I wonder where it might lead.


One Response

  1. You know I love the sun flowers! Glad you made it through the massage, with relative ease. There is hope for me as well!!!

    Can’t wait to see you beautiful lady!

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