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Is Squirming Good?

I woke up this morning convinced every muscle in my body may pull away from the bones and tendons in which they are attached. I didn’t want to get out of bed or write in my journal or go to work or anything else but hobble back to the cozy comfort of my pillow.

I knew my muscles would scream after the session with the trainer on Wednesday; yesterday I even found a new religion muttering to sweet baby Jesus about things that required any physical movement – everything from working on the elliptical to trying to put my jacket back on after a shower at the gym.

During the session on Wednesday, the trainer gave me a word, some physiological meaning about taking someone out of her comfort zone. I told her she might need to send me the word; I kinda liked the idea of having a new word for stretch the limit. This morning I wanted to shove the word up her ass, but I think these are all signs that I’m moving in the right direction, better physical condition or death, either welcome at this point.

Because I am the forever fucking optimist, I did make some progress in the locker room on Wednesday. Much of it still has more to do with exhaustion than reaching beyond my comfort level. And for the record, I don’t like sharing bench space with the perky aerobics instructor. Seeing her is a reminder of what my body is not. Will I ever make peace with me?

She seems completely comfortable in the locker room, bantering back and forth with other members and instructors. Of course she doesn’t have a saggy ass to contend with. I heard someone compliment her about the way she looked and she seemed genuinely surprised, which in turn really surprised me. Perhaps she feigned humility, but I really think the compliment caught her off guard. Is she struggling with all the same shit that I am (and many others)? If so, how did we all get to this place? We need to hop back on the damn bus and go somewhere more hospitable.

This transplanted me back 15-20 years ago when someone close to me mentioned how beautiful she thought I was. I thought she was being sarcastic. When I realized she was serious, well first, I thought she needed some serious mental help, but then I discovered that this whole outward beauty thing may be screwing us all up. I realized I was missing some inner peace/acceptance although I wouldn’t have used those words to describe it back then.

So, here I am today still struggling, but hoping if I push through the discomfort I will find the place I need to be.


2 Responses

  1. You know, your post got me to thinking, so I thought I would share that I, myself, have been trying to dole out more compliments lately, and it is as a result of reading a book recommended to me by one of my blog readers. The book is called “Joining the Thin Club” and it is all about the necessary change in mindset to help insure that the lost weight is maintained.

    Now that I am in “maintenance phase” I am struggling a little with the particulars of “what now” and keeping motivated after the presumed tough part was past. I’m realizing that the tough part is just beginning!

    In the book, it describes how formerly fat people have a hard time accepting compliments because they still occasionally think of themselves as fat, or, for whatever reason, continue to allow the remaining flaws with their bodies supercede the positives. The book goes on to say that it will be easier for a person to accept compliments if they get good at handing them out.

    When someone compliments us, the book tells, and we do not graciously accept that compliment, people will be less likely to dole them out in the future. And, when people no longer “notice” by way of compliment, we begin to feel like we are not worthy of praise… kind of a cyclical self-fulfilling prophecy-type outcome.

    So, I have tried my best to be better about accepting compliments and even make it a point of giving more compliments so that I’m more likely to get them (thereby giving me more practice at accepting graciously) and so far I think it has worked!

  2. What an interesting idea. I’ll have to check out the book. You are absolutely right, the hard part has just begun. It’s hard to think it is about to be over and realize that you still have a whole bunch to learn.

    You can do it! I’ve got to remember to check out that book! Thanks

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