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Surface Tension

What is it that I want from my life? I know my days are technically busy, but am I missing something on a grander scale? There are after all people who are busier than ME. Are they happy? Content? Peaceful?

There is something that must come from within, and I’ve been struggling to come to terms with what it might be. A dear friend shared that she tries to embrace all the small moments, all those fragments of sand in an hourglass that collectively tell us how much time has really passed. What do each of those tiny shards of glass represent in my life? I fail miserably at times to look to the insight each of those solitary moments represent, and what if I’m missing something profound?

Where is the answer? I do know that no one is going to give me that wisdom. It is up to me to find the meaning for me, my life. What I fight against is how to find these answers amidst the stacks of soiled laundry, crunchy stuff on the floor left from a week of neglect and the grocery list that hangs cock eyed on the fridge. Are divine moments there as well?

I talk about the transitions in my life, but it has now been a little more than six months since I changed jobs, and our family seems fairly well adjusted. Our independent son is submerged in his life and barely notices anything in his periphery that doesn’t threaten his goings-on; my husband supports me completely and stepped up his game when I opted to go back to work fulltime; the extended family emits no drama. That leaves me. Just me.

What is it that I want out of my time on this earth? Where do I find a little piece of that nirvana, and can I find a way to appreciate it as it happens, and I know it does, without looking back and only seeing it once it passed? I think about that in relation to other significant times in my life, and I distinctly remember immersed in those times feeling not that much different than I do now. I wonder if there are people who get it as it comes. I have a feeling that it should just happen, but I’m not all together sure about that either.

When I ponder these bigger questions, most of the time I stop myself and give myself a swift kick because it feels like I’m bitching and moaning. I have a pretty damn good life, much easier than many; however, I want to live with as much gusto as life deserves. I don’t even know if that makes any sense. Perhaps it’s the sheer finite existence that has me questioning. Have I finally reached an age where I really grasp that I don’t have forever?

Would I be happy if today was it? Would there be regrets? Would I draw my last breath wishing I still had time for a do-over?

As I sat in silence drinking my coffee this morning, I wandered out on the back porch to slug the liquid truth serum under the stars. I hate the shortened daylight hours of fall, beckoning all that is to come in the next season. But instead of rolling around in that thought, I perched in another chair to see the sky from another perspective. I peeked out and saw Orion’s Belt. So perfect are those three stars in a line. Who knows if they were formed with the same bits of cosmic chunks at the same time, but I don’t think it matters much either. Perhaps they too shine without a thought or care, but they remind me there is something that necessitates my attention that has little to do with the dog hair sprinkled across the floor like liquid that spills spreading a barrier between the surface and what truly lies beneath. Look beyond the distraction for treasure that I often choose to ignore in my rush.

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One Response

  1. Oh this one hits me hard! On the outside, I have a great life. I don’t have to work, my husband and kids are doing well, life is good. But I know that I don’t have that “something.” I don’t know what it is or where to find it. I have often wondered if that missing thing is part of my eating issue. Sigh.

    This was beautifully written.

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