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Code Red

I’ve decided that I want to come back in my next life as a beloved pet. Yea, sure the Invisible Fence would be a bitch, and I can’t say I would look forward to licking my own ass or anyone else’s for that matter, but as I look at my napping dog across the room, her belly is full, she just came in from playing outdoors and she’s been loved on already today – all as the sun barely peeks over the trees. Even the butt licking part seems more attractive than the summer of crappy familial health issues we’ve endured. Heart stents, pinched nerves, leg stents, torn ham strings (yep, that’s an official diagnosis). Enough already.

We’ve seen more action in the last two months than Hot Lips Hoolihan witnessed in an entire season of M.A.S.H. Now, no one is ever going to look at me and compare me to her after-hour shenanigans, but I think I may have channeled her bed side manner.

I’m not cracked up for this nurse-maid gig. I love my family and everyone’s passion and fierce independence, but these are not characteristics that come in too handy when you are laying in a bed waiting for your next meal or dose of Percocet, or on the flip side when you are tuned into a creative project that you just want to complete before you get said patient, said pain relievers.

Yesterday was a rough day. We had to follow up with our doctor to see about Lyle’s injury. Lyle can’t see the back of his leg, but I took one look at it in the morning and could have saved him the co-pay. Shit, it’s bad, which is pretty much what the doctor said, barely leaving out the expletive.

Lyle tore his hamstring and possibly the tendon that attaches everything nicely to his ass. The hematoma on his bupkus is swollen, purple like an eggplant and larger than my fist. You never really want to catch your doctor off guard, and I’m pretty sure Lyle was the, “Boy, I had a case today…man, you should have seen the f****** bruise on this guy’s ass.” Well again, minus the cursing since our doc is a devout Mormon.

Lyle is essentially in a waiting pattern until some of the acute pain passes. He’s never experienced an illness or injury of this magnitude and I think it took a while to sink in, but he’s settled in quite nicely with the help of narcotics. Too bad for him that our doc is also a firm believer in knuckling through pain so Lyle’s days of wondering around with Tinker Bell in Never Never Land are about one sunrise away from dumping his sorry ass into the Korean mine field outside the M.A.S.H unit.

The family doc told us that surgery is generally not performed on these types of injuries unless the patients are professional athletes, and since I haven’t seen any checks appear in my mailbox from the Dallas Cowboys, it’s safe to say Lyle has a long road of physical therapy and pain management ahead of him. I can’t help but think that we need to probably make an appointment with an orthopedic doc, but Lyle is not real eager to do that. In between helping him to the toilet and working from home today, I need to do a little research. Anyone out there have experience with hamstring injuries, and if you are in Columbus, do you have a doc recommendation?

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One Response

  1. Sorry — no experience with those injuries. I’m just sitting here thinking, “Owwwwww.”

    (I hope things get better fast).

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