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Toss the Keys

I need to be mindful of my eating today. I almost threw a huge party in my mouth last night, but I caught myself before the carnival began.

The root of the problem? The Closet Bitch tried to break free. Her grating, gnawing voice inside my head routinely attempts to derail any and all good. I function quite well without her. When she escapes she lands on my shoulder with a thunk and starts screaming things that only I hear, What makes you think you can do that? You are not good enough. You can’t do that. You are not good enough. You always gain the weight back. You are not good enough. You are not worth the time this takes. You are not good enough. This takes too much time. You are not good enough. This is impossible. You are not good enough. You can’t do this. You are not good enough. You do not have what it takes. You are not good enough. They’re gonna find out you are an imposter. You are not good enough.

One of the biggest payoffs of losing weight and managing to keep it off is that I finally started doubting those messages, but it was a really, really slow process. They were so ingrained in the very center of my soul that I didn’t even know they weren’t ME. But with time, I extricated myself from the sticky-ass tentacles trying to suck me into the dark place, threw the bitch in the closet and slammed the door. One day, I hope to kick her to the curb, once and for all.

I haven’t managed that yet, and she still escapes from time to time. I’m continually amazed how mesmerizing and alluring her chant can be. It’s not as if she breaks out and starts calling me a loser right away. It is more shifty and sinister than that. First she entices me with a little treat, “You’ve been soooo good. This won’t hurt you. How about a little brownie-poo? You deserve it.”

The sugar acts as a perfect Clyde to her Bonnie. Bam! I’m shoving a plate of cookies down my throat feeling like I’ll never amount to anything, EVER! If I’m not careful, I spiral down from this place as they rob me of the rest of my self-esteem. I have to be on the lookout at all times, and I hate that it requires such diligence. However, I’ve been at this gig long enough to know it is worth the effort, and I NEVER want to return to that other place.

Occasionally, someone with an obvious weight problem will approach me and tell me that their problem is really just food – they love it and simply can’t step away from the French Fries or whatever else they claim is the culprit. BULLSHIT! Of course I believed that 100-pounds ago, which is why I don’t verbally confront the issue with these individuals, but mainly because I know it is THEIR voice coercing them; only, they don’t yet know they’re sharing their body with someone else. Instead, I nod and share a little about my process in the event they ever want to talk later.

Living life in a positive way takes a lot of work and it amazes me how quickly negativity can sneak up on me. When the door is firmly locked on that closet, I operate in a world of acceptance, for the most part anyway. I envision and plan and achieve all kinds of things. I wonder if that would have been possible without the metamorphosis I made during weight loss. It truly feels like I’m a different person than what I was before.

So, food haunts me and often lures the Closet Bitch from her detention center, but at least I’m aware that she lurks close by so I can stand guard. I think others also carry around some kind of poltergeist that holds them back from being all that they could be, but with no inkling they are traveling as a duo. What holds you back and how do you choose to deal with it on good v. bad days?


4 Responses

  1. I love how you put this. I don’t have a voice that says those same things, but I do have a voice that seems to taunt me into eating. Wish I new how to shut up that voice!

  2. I forgot to comment on that amazing photo!!!

  3. I think I heard your Closet Bitch in my ear today… or, maybe she’s my own B and I just haven’t admitted it yet… I was enjoying a tasty low-cal snack, a Fit and Active product called Drizzled S’mores mini crisps. They come pre-packaged in 90 calorie bags and the other times I had them I savored each and every little crisp, slowly, as to enjoy them longer. Today, I was under a little stress and just inhaled the bag without taking the time to enjoy it.

    Fortunately, I had the sense and will power to stop at that one snack and not rip open another bag or something yet worse. However, the manner in which I ate them is kind of frightening. I could see the potential for a closet escapee.

    I haven’t lost my 100 yet (I’m at 85 pounds lost) but really hope that the same determination and relative will power I have stay with me for a long time!

  4. Jennifer,

    Go easy on yourself and remember perspective – the Fit and Active crisps could have been three Peanut Butter Parfaits at DQ…but I understand the feeling. I love Aldi’s and their treats.

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