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No More Stalking

“I think our scale may be off again,” I heard Lyle call from the bathroom this morning.

I smiled. I remember when I thought that too.

I’m not happy with the digital readout right now either, but it has nothing with the instrument in which I stand.

I spent a lot of time over the years obsessing about the number. How did I let it climb so high? If it read 10 pounds less would I be happi-er?

Right now, at this very moment if I stepped on, it would only confirm what I already know; my butt is too big and my pants are too tight, not just in my mind, but in reality. I’m OK with that, which sounds really weird, but I think I may have found a little peace.

Before you schedule the diet intervention, clarification is due. Today, I feel no need to beat myself up about the number, which is different than giving up because I don’t plan on that either. It is simpl-er than that. I just need to practice the behaviors to get back to my fighting weight because that is a healthy place to hang.

Also, it’s no typo revolving around the hyphened –er words. My sister and I may have just invented a new explanation and/or philosophy of life as we talked last weekend and –er entered the conversation.

As we shared perspectives about a time when she was diagnosed as being bi-polar, we discussed how the culmination was big, scary and ugly, but somehow sitting there several years later we found ourselves laughing. She talked of the days prior to the final melt down and mentioned being crazy. She quickly added the –er in regard to another person she was referring to.

“I was crazy, well crazi-er than her. I know now that she was only trying to help, but…,” she said and continued with the rest of the recollection. I stopped my sister and called out the –er of her explanation. Those two letters suddenly brought a lot of clarity.

The words caught me on a lot of different levels, but I also realized that I spent most of my life in –er. Was I crazier, fatter, prettier, smarter…. Less or more than the next person?

Just now, I started to write “embrace warts and all,” but somehow I think I need to begin to focus on the positive side.

When I think of myself, I usually minimize the good. A friend of mine and I share a joke, “that’s what I like about me.” It’s a story for another day, but I use the phrase all the time and forget what it actually may sound like to others when they hear it escape my mouth. I try to convince myself that I don’t use those words to truly describe myself because I don’t want to seem cocky or self-absorbed, but lately I wonder if it is about who I believe myself to be. Others may see a put-together being, but what I often feel is someone who is trying her hardest to embrace the –er… better, prettier, smarter, whatever.

I miss the mark totally when I sit in that space. Isolated times find me in a place that I embrace the entire being, but more often than not, I feel like I stalk that girl from afar. I think it is time to try on her skin.

Maybe -er doesn’t matter anymore. I am – ME.

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4 Responses

  1. I have read a couple of blogs just this week where the writer focused on things to be proud about. It made me think about the fact that so many of us focus on the negative stuff and don’t seem to focus on the good things about ourselves. Why is that?

  2. I really liked what you said about chasing the “er.”

    (I’d write more, but I’m sleepi-er than usual. good night)

  3. I’m really trying to focus on that. I think it is always great to try to improve, but sometimes we just have to focus on what we bring to the table in the first place.

    Gina – you crack me up!

  4. This sounds like a lot of us. I know I definitely need to work on being more positive about myself and seeing beyond just the negative because I am pretty sure that is how I ended up here in the first place.

    Amen and excellent post!

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