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Someone Take The Wheel

I want to binge. I didn’t last night, but I woke up with the urge still there.

I’m hoping that writing a little about it this morning will help trigger a thought to help me move past the desire. I’m not having much luck trying to figure this out on my own.

I finally called in re-enforcements and went to see my mental mechanic. Some visits are great – she fits me in for a quick tune up and shoots me out the door running smoothly once again. Yesterday, was not one such day, and I think she was having a down day. I suppose even counselors are entitled to being “off,” but it’s kinda like doctors. We expect perfection from them each and every day – man, I can only imagine how screwed up I would have been had I chosen a career path in medicine….like I need any more ideas of perfection floating around in my head!

I think by this time, I’m one of the “easy” patients. My mechanic and I sorted out a lot of shit over the years. She saw me through the death of our twins, helped me work through family crap, which was plentiful given I grew up in a crazy-ass alcoholic family, and I worked with her as I lost weight to help me figure out what was really eating me.

Anyway, I think she should have called in sick, used yesterday as vacay or taken a longer break between clients. I wasn’t groovin’ with her and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t either.

What I do know is that when I feel urges like this, it is time to re-evaluate. Food is not just food for me, and my bet is that others out there relate if they are honest with themselves. Perhaps this is progress since I feel like I’m almost taking a step out of my body and looking at my open hood in the garage… what’s the problem, what parts will I need and how much is it going to set me back?

I know that I want to pour food at emotions to literally stuff them down, but there’s no more room with the other junk in the trunk so I need to work this out. No detours here – I’m plowing straight through!

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2 Responses

  1. Well you sound just like what Geneen Roth was saying on Oprah. About stuffing down emotions with food. The good thing is – you recognize that! The great thing is – you are handling it:)

    Since you know it is not about food, is it best for you to force yourself to evaluate and deal with your feelings? Or is it enough to find ways to distract yourself, other than eating. I have read about other bloggers doing that but don’t know what was behind their “hunger” to begin with.

    Hang in there:)

  2. I’m not sure the best way to deal with it. I guess I know I need to get to the bottom of “it.” Otherwise, it keeps cropping up. I wanna check out the Geneen Roth wrote. I think I could use a push to think of things a little differently. Concentrating on really healthy food does help, although I did eat a piece of cheese cake today….but I didn’t stuff it down…I put it on a nice plate and enjoyed it with a cup of coffee. I don’t know…perhaps I will have a little time this weekend to think about it more.

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