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Choices

I’ve been struggling lately with making good choices, feeling like what faced me was too big to handle without chocolate cake or whatever else might be within my reach. That’s bullshit.

I’ve made tough choices in my life and pushing away from the table is not a biggy in the larger scheme of things.

When I heard my friend’s son died, the intense sadness caught me off guard a bit. Why was I crying when I hadn’t even stayed in touch with these people?

I don’t presume to know the pain of losing a 13-year-old child, but I guess I know a little of what it feels like for life top screech to a halt. When our twins died, I wondered if the world even held a place card for me anymore. I felt like I stepped out of life, but others seemed to function around me just fine. Didn’t they know that the world was different from what it had been a just a short week earlier?

I remember the first day I ventured out of the house to pick Russell up from preschool. Other moms stood next to me unaware that my children had just died or maybe unwilling to approach a stranger because of the awkwardness they might feel. They stood bitching about the choir list du jour. It was all I could do to keep from screaming, “Yesterday, my day was like yours, but my life as I knew is gone – forever – so shut the hell up.”

I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to reconcile all that was flying at me.

People rally around the grieving in those early days. I look back on that time and most of it appears as a misty dream. I remember soft smiles and lots of casseroles. I recall being amazed by the generosity of the human spirit, and my mom telling me that she couldn’t believe how many friends I had. One only had to look at the stacks of empty lasagna pans to see how much we were loved. The beauty of these people gave me strength to keep standing.

Somehow I managed to find a new life, and I learned a lot about myself and mankind in the process. I discovered that I’m pretty damn strong, and with a little grace, I maintain the ability to make good choices even when they are tough to live by at times. This gratitude presents itself only if I free my mind of the other crap and truly focus on what is important.

I may not know what every day will bring, but there is something to be said for choosing to experience each day in an authentic way.

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2 Responses

  1. I can’t imagine the pain that you went through… or that your friends are going through.

    Yep… we have to keep everything in perspective.

    Thanks for the post!!

  2. Rob, thanks for reading the blog, and I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. Hope you have a great day!

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