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Gimme’ A Piece Of That

Will I have the answers by the time I'm my grandma's age?

Last night Lyle and I went to Mad River Mountain to hear the Arc band, which is a reggae band that we used to see frequently before we had kids. They have a pretty large following, at least they used to, so the opportunity to see them outside of Columbus is good unless one likes to feel like a sardine in a sea of drunken people.

When they came on stage, I said, “Man, they’re getting old.” Lyle laughed of course. What are we since we’ve been following them around from time to time for the past twenty years?

I’m afraid it makes us one of those couples that twenty somethings look at and say, “That’s cool. I hope I’m still going out like that when I’m THEIR age.”

Yikes, I don’t want to be in that demographic, but I distinctly remember thinking things like that when we would see middle-aged people hanging out in bars watching live music.

I felt a little out of sorts last night and way over dressed. Lyle and Russell both asked why I was so dressed up – I had jeans and a sweater on, what? Once I got there, I realized what they meant because almost everyone was hanging out in their ski garb, duh. I don’t like to I stick out in a crowd. Maybe it goes back to my fat-girl days of wishing I could be invisible.

As I was sitting on the fringe of things watching the crowd, enjoying the music, but refusing to dance, I looked up and saw a woman in skinny jeans that had a HUGE bottom. Now, I don’t care that she had a big butt, but it was one of those that didn’t’ go with the rest of her body and you could hear others in the background make comments. I hate to admit my first thought was, “Wow, I’m glad my ass isn’t that big.”

I found myself completely intrigued by this woman. Everything she wore was part of a well-thought out ensemble and she appeared to be quite comfortable with her choices. As I watched her, I couldn’t help compare myself. I would never try to stretch a pair of skinny jeans over my dimply ass, and quite frankly I was surprised to see evidence that these jeans came in larger sizes than one might imagine.

But then I really saw her. She exuded an air of confidence in regards to her physical shell that I long for. I couldn’t help but be a little envious. I don’t want to necessarily swap jeans with her, but what did she know that I didn’t?

I haven’t been super happy about my appearance lately, but I can’t really say there has ever been more than an isolated glimpse in the mirror that I have been satisfied. I don’t think that is a good place to be, and I can’t help but wonder if that is what keeps me on this 10-pound yo-yo trip.

When I’m up I want to be down. I don’t like that my jeans are tight, I hate the extra pudge around my hips and my shoes even fit differently. When I’m at what I refer to as my fighting weight, I see more evidence of saggy schtuff and I start thinking I should lose another 10 pounds. How can there be another last 10 pounds. It’s crazy making.

Why am I still struggling with this? Will I ever manage to conquer these body image issues and simply embrace the good with the bad for more than fleeting moments?

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3 Responses

  1. Hi Melissa! I remember being at the beach when I was a teenager and there was a large woman “playing and having fun” in the surf with her boyfriend (who was skinny btw). It was hard to look away – not becasue of her size but because of how much fun she was having. I remember my stepmom saying, “That woman does not know that she’s fat.” Not in a derogatory way but in an admiring way. I don’t think I even had that kind of confidence as a skinny, pretty, popular teen. I’ve NEVER felt that comfortable in my own skin. I wish I knew how some people can just accept themselves as they are and go with it!! I’d love to have that freedom. ~ Angie

  2. I’m not sure I will ever get there completely. There are days that I see the girl in the mirror as the same one who exists in reality, but I still really struggle with it. I don’t know what the answer is…but it’s worth the search I suppose.

  3. Between different time zones and work schedules, it’s a good thing I can see how you are doing via your blog. I can see that it is time for me to remind you that you are one of the two most beautiful women I have ever known in my life-inside and out.

    Miss you. Glad work is going well. Maybe it will help you not spend so much time thinking about how you look. That is the secret of old age contentment with looks my dear, and probably that of the chubby girl in the skinny jeans,-just don’t think about it so much. The benefits of aging? A look in the mirror lasts a shorter period in the mind! And if you look without glasses on it is even better!

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