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Go Ahead, Push Your Luck

Do you feel lucky?

If I’m not patient at 45, nor have I ever been, is it too much to expect that I can make it happen now?

Every morning I wake a little early so I can write three pages in a journal. It’s a nice way to begin my day and it helps generate thoughts I really want to pursue in my writing. It’s an exercise I began a few years ago, and I have to say it provides a lot of insight. There are no rules except that the writing needs to be done with pen and paper and I can’t edit myself along the way.

I often use the last half page to pray. I struggle with prayer and God. I don’t necessarily doubt the existence of something bigger than myself, but I have a hard time buying into the lessons I learned as a kid, and as an adult it seems just as obscure.

I declare this, not to launch into a religious debate, but only to say that I’m open to a lot of possibilities, and I’m respectful of other people’s paths as long as they don’t tromp over mine. The idea of prayer really pissed me off after our twins died, and I wasn’t sure I would recover from that.

Somewhere along the way, I wanted to give it another shot and decided to pray on paper. Since I’m a writer, it seemed like an appropriate medium. I don’t know if it is a message I try to send to myself or it is actually something that is received at a final destination. That holds very little relevance now. Most of my morning prayers contain the same mantra, “Please give me the courage, strength and humility to find and follow the path meant for me.” I think that is a pretty good thing to throw into the cosmos or to God or anyone else who might be listening.

On some level I hate to admit it, but it seems to be working so I recently added, “Please help me be patient with myself and my family.” I think I may be pushing my luck with that one. I have a feeling that it may be a little like praying for a million dollars.

I want to believe patience is possible, but sometimes I think this is more difficult than following my destiny. Holy crap, when I want something, I want it now! I pulled up patience on thesaurus.com hoping it may provide a little clarity. Here’s what I found:

Patience: backbone, bearing, calmness, composure, constancy, cool, diligence, endurance, equanimity, even temper, forbearance, fortitude, grit, guts, gutsiness, heart, humility, imperturbability, intestinal fortitude, legs, leniency, long-suffering, moderation, moxie, nonresistance, passiveness, passivity, perseverance, persistence, poise, resignation, restraint, self-control, serenity, starch, staying power, stoicism, submission, sufferance, tolerance, toleration, yielding…

What the hell, I grasp most of those things, well except for the nonresistance, passiveness and passivity part, but I also hold a pinch of bitch. That’s where I think things get muddled up. Is wrong to pray to be less of a bitch, or is it worse to admit that I’m not altogether sure that I believe that is a personality flaw? Maybe I should just accept me for me – do I really want to push my luck?


2 Responses

  1. “I often use the last half page to pray.” I thought I was the only one who communicated with god that way. No, it’s not wrong to pray to be less of a bitch, but often I have to ask myself if a “pinch of bitch” is the way I am and it’s a good thing. Loved this post.

  2. It’s the one truly quiet space I can find. It works…glad to hear I’m not alone!

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