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Change Is In The Air

Have you ever known that you really needed to make some changes, but for whatever reason you found your ass glued to a chair?

I’ve felt this way for at least a year, but I feared what change might bring so I just ignored it. Stupid idioms fly threw my head: Don’t look now. Watch what you’re doing. Could I cut the mustard? Shit or get off the pot.

Now, I’m just trying to listen to, “Take a leap of faith.”

No one in our family is good with the transition part of change. Each of us can be patient for about a day, and then we get cranky and lash out, even if we know that good things will soon arrive. I think it is just the act of throwing all the puzzle pieces into the air and waiting for them to land that drives us bonkers. Once everything is assembled again, and we know the new plan, it’s all good.

Losing weight was like that for me. It’s not like I didn’t know I was fat, even though I refused all invitations that began with, “bring a bathing suit” and bought only stretchy knit pants at discount stores to avoid the real size tags and the dressing room mirrors. There was still a part of me that felt comfortable in that miserable space. I can’t explain it. At least it was a known.

Coming to terms with the fact that I was overweight and actually putting a plan in play was scary and hard, but I managed to make it through the transition and setbacks along the way. The place I found on the other side was certainly different, and the opportunity that met me was astounding.

The point between recognition and action is what is the most stressful, and that’s right where I am. I’m having difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep, which is pretty unusual for me. I wake stressed, go to bed stressed, and now my head is cloudy because I’m not getting enough sleep. I’ve also had a headache now for about five days, which has been no party either. I’ve got a knot forming under the surface of my shoulder muscle that will soon resemble an extra appendage if I don’t gain some clarity quickly.

So far, I’ve managed to at least eat in healthy ways during this transition. It’s one of the few things completely within my control, and it is a way for me to truly take care of myself. I have to admit, if I thought shoving an apple pie down my throat would actually help ease the anxiety longterm, I would probably go for it. Thankfully, I know better. Feel The Feelings, Melissa!

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