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Birthday Suit Blues

Does anyone feel good naked?

Is it the puritan lineage cursing through my body, a warped body image or a healthy sense of reality that makes me want to hang a towel over the mirror in the bathroom?

As I lost weight, I imagined a time (and a body) that I could admire in the reflection and take pride in the metamorphosis. Mostly, I just look in the mirror and wonder how my mom’s boobs got on my body. Now this is not intended to be a slam on my mom. I’m sure we all remember times when we caught mortifying glimpses of our mothers in the bathroom as we barged in as kids. It never occurred to me as mine told me she needed some privacy that I would someday be lucky to look like her.

Weightloss is a great thing, but it didn’t significantly alter the way I view my body. I don’t generally see much that I like when I’m standing in front of that full-length mirror nude. I still see the flaws that remain and wonder why anyone would like to even look at naked bodies. I think they all look pretty ridiculous.

I suppose that may be an improvement in my body image… I used to believe that my body was the only one that needed to be covered from all to see.

I still wonder what others look like naked – other normal people anyway. I have no desire to view airbrushed images of a perfection that I cannot achieve. But I wonder if I lined 100 middle-aged women in a row, how would I compare, and does it really matter?

Do I even need to feel good naked to be comfortable in my skin? It’s not like I run around naked the majority of the time anyway. The only people who see me without clothes are me, Lyle and an occasional doctor, which caused me to laugh the other day at my follow-up biopsy appointment. The doctor was quite pleased with what he saw – even though I know he was just talking about the scar.

I cannot remember a time in my life that I felt great in my birthday suit. I hated gym in high school because of the showers that followed class. I never felt like I measured up then so what makes me think it will magically happen today. Am I looking for something that is even realistic?

Instead of searching for a sense of satisfaction with a nude figure, perhaps I need to shift my focus on how I feel when I’m dressed. With a flattering skirt and jacket and a nice shade of lipstick, I feel pretty damn good.


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