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Is Ignorance Bliss?

The breast care nurse called me yesterday to check in. I will say that the customer service I have received while this boob fiasco continues has been very good. However, she let her filter slide just a bit when I talked with her on the phone.

When I got the first MRI, they wanted to perform the test during the first 20 days of my cycle, which wouldn’t happen with the next MRI and biopsy. I expressed my concern with the nurse. She talked to the doc and called me back to tell me not to worry because the area in question was big enough that it didn’t matter. Was that supposed to make me feel better?

Her words hung with me the rest of the day. I don’t know why it hit me like it did. I can feel the “area” so I know it has substance. Thankfully I was very busy at work so the thought failed to resurface until my drive home. I hate car tears. Mom says they’re worse than texting while driving, and I tend to agree. They come fast and furious and there is no damn way to shut them off!

I’ve tried very hard not to go down a dark path when one may not even exist. I don’t want to waste the time or energy on something that “might be.” However, the thought does hang from time to time, and I think I needed to release it.

I’m the strong one…the funny one…the responsible one. But yesterday afternoon, as I tried to keep my car on the road through my teary haze, I was the scared one.

None of this fits into my mental picture – cancer survivor…or worse? It is not what I see myself to be, but who does?

I encounter people from time to time that party with Pollyanna, primarily because nothing too bad has ever happened in their life so they’re minds simply don’t “go there.”

However, I held two of my children in my arms and waited for them to take their last breaths – actually prayed that it would happen quickly. I know bad things happen – they do all the time. Most of us have lived them so it is not a big stretch.

I’m also a half-full kind of girl with that crazy silver lining point of view so how do I balance it all?

Letting myself get sucked into a black hole during this intermission is certainly not going to change one damn thing. I guess the only real choice I have is to deal with this situation head on.

I am pleased that I’m feeling the emotions instead of eating my way through them. I’ve had a few very brief lapses, but I also recognize that food won’t alter the outcome either. I’m trying to be gentle with myself – that’s not always easy. I remind myself that informed decisions are important and waiting is part of the process.

I’ll get through this, hopefully with some good news on the other end. In the meantime, thanks for listening; it helps.

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