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Looking Deeper

How did I become so damn complicated?

From the outside, a lot of people look to have everything under control at all times. They seem to roll along with flexibility in their back pocket. I want some of that because I find that I bump into a lot of STUFF.

These thoughts prompted a quick look at my address book. Maybe I knew someone who had it all together and could offer me a little insight. As I scrolled through my friends, no one popped out as the master of their personal universe. Am I hanging around the wrong people?

I’m blessed with a wonderful group of friends. So I think it has more to do with the assumptions I make from an outsider’s perspective. I’m not familiar with the dirty laundry that mere acquaintances carry around so I cannot possibly presume that all is right with their world. I’m sure there are people who think all is good all the time with me. Outward appearances can be deceiving.

I’m in a pretty good place right now, but I always want to get better. I think the desire to improve is a good thing, and it doesn’t necessarily relate to my physical appearance, although if I woke one morning with firm thighs and arms and an absence of cellulite I wouldn’t complain. I guess what I desire is a deeper understanding of myself and others.

I cannot control my surroundings or the people in them. Am I just now getting that? People who love me are laughing their asses off because they know what a control freak I am. But I realize that the only true power lies in the choices I make. When I make poor choices, life gets chaotic. Good choices seem to bring more choice, hmmm.

I used to think I wanted a disinterested third party to give me the answers – all of them. And while they were at it, I wanted an instruction manual. Was that my need to avoid culpability? Life is not that simple.

I don’t think it is conceited to say that I’m pretty responsible and dependable in my interactions with others. However, could I enhance my life if I refused to make any more excuses for my transgressions, and took complete responsibility for my actions?

I blame mood swings, eating and general bitchy attitude on something other than the fact that I like to act like a two-year-old on occasion who doesn’t have the capacity to understand the impact of her actions. That doesn’t fly.

Excuses will get me nowhere – quick. But looking at less than desirable behavior isn’t pretty either. There must be some payoff I receive from behaving poorly, why else would I do it? I think it is a way that I keep people at bay, to avoid showing vulnerability. And that is not working for me any longer.

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