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Give Me a Shovel

I’ve been stressed the last couple weeks, and I can’t quite pin down the cause. Is it the new puppy, my 14-year-old, or my husband who has entire conversations with himself in his head and then expects me to jump in mid-thought? External demands are driving me insane!

More and more frequently as I’m driving down the road, I find myself day dreaming about running away or teleporting to a deserted island. Think Tom Hanks in Cast Away, only I don’t think I would need a soccer ball to keep me company. I long for a solitary beach and a warm breeze. Hell, I could even live with a few sand fleas as long as they didn’t talk to me or want something!

I want to remove the following things from my job description: mind reader, event planner, short-order cook, poop scooper and maid. I just want to be left alone! My environment has been too loud and distracting to give myself the time and space to think about what MY current needs really are.

The idea of isolation is so out of character for me because I am THE supreme extrovert. I generally gather a great deal of energy from others – the more the merrier, but lately I feel like I need to travel inward to find energy and answers. The only problem is I’m not really sure what the questions are…that doesn’t even make much sense.

I feel like I’m pretty in tune with my body and mind. Losing weight and examining the reasons I ate helped bring clarity. I can’t say I embrace utter acceptance all the time, but I at least have an awareness of what is really going on instead of stumbling around in denial. For many years, food plugged a big hole within. Whenever uncomfortable thoughts or feelings would arise, I sealed the leak with a donut.

When I get rumbly in my head old habits try to sneak in, and I find myself using food in inappropriate ways. Some people drink vodka; me, I prefer Captain Crunch, or anything else within reach. If I’m in a real bind, and don’t have junk in my house, I induce similar damage with typically non-threatening food. Peanut butter tops the list – smeared over bananas and apples or spread over crackers. Sometimes even the searching process provides enough clues that I can stop and make necessary adjustments.

I try not to be too hard on myself. While I’m frustrated that I can’t quite figure out what is causing me a little discomfort, I know I will solve whatever the dilemma is because I will keep digging until I find it.

For me, my life is now about assessing my actions and formulating plans of where I want to go next. Abusing food clouds my ability to make informed decisions. Quiet evaluation may reveal the questions, which will get me that much closer to the answers.



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