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Don’t Look Down

Now, I know there are a few men who read this blog, and I need to discuss boobs. If you want to tune out now and catch me tomorrow, I completely understand. I know saying this may only peak interest, but don’t forget – you’ve been warned.

I got my boobs smooshed today – on purpose. Yes, it was time for the annual mammogram, which ranks right up there with bikini waxing.

I think this was my fourth or fifth mammography, and I have to say it was one of the more pleasant ones. I realize it is oxymoronic to use “pleasant and mammogram” in the same sentence, but I handled things a bit differently this year, which may have helped.

First, let me say there is something just a little disturbing, o.k. a lot disturbing, about the fact that another woman has the available machinery to squash my boob between two sheets of glass until it resembles a hearty slice of Oscar Mayer bologna. Why would we do this to each other, which leads me to my next quandary, are there any male mammography technicians, and would it be discriminatory to forbid men into this line of work?

I know getting a yearly mammogram is a responsible thing to do, but it seems so archaic. Shouldn’t we have a device to scan for lumps without the flattening part?

In the past, I always watched this perverse act unfold, which often left me feeling a little light-headed. The procedure really isn’t all that uncomfortable and takes so little time that I couldn’t quite figure out what was causing the unfortunate symptoms.

I’m not all that impressed with my breasts on a good day after breastfeeding and losing a hundred pounds. Oh sure the girls look great if I’m hanging upside down. Unfortunately, that makes me dizzier than watching my mammogram and it is impossible to drink a hot cup of coffee standing on my head. Perhaps it was just a little too much aversion therapy so I thought it best to skip the viewing portion of the program.

Whatever the reason, my new technique worked and I got out of there without incident. I felt proud that I did yet something else to take care of myself. Damn, I’m good. If I keep up at this rate, I’m not going to be able to stand in the same room with myself!

For those of you who are too young to need this yearly screening and for those who have been putting it off, I don’t want to dissuade you. It is an important tool for breast cancer screening.

If you need a mammogram, schedule one today, but I’m here to tell you, don’t let curiosity get the best of you. Have a conversation with the ceiling for those few minutes – there are some things you really don’t need to see!

For information about breast cancer awareness, visit the American Cancer Society.

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