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Just Try It

Who knew that Sam’s Club served dinner?

I buy large quantities of veggies at Sam’s because I eat a lot of fresh produce. I hate the weekend crowds so I decided to go yesterday on my day off. I should have turned around at the first sample booth where the lady was passing out free fudge – with 30% less sugar and fat than the leading brand, yea, right!

My son, who now can eat his weight within 15 minutes, was delighted! He politely gorged himself as we moseyed around the warehouse. I generally don’t buy a lot of junk at Sam’s because it comes in such large quantities that I run the risk of gastric explosion if I start munching on anything besides fruits and veggies. Russell saw it as a perfect opportunity to get a taste of all the things I refuse to bring through our front door!

First, I try to go to these warehouse stores with a single goal in mind and stick to my list. Otherwise I end up with tons of crap that I have no room for in my house and a “grocery” bill that exceeds our national debt. However, I landed at about 3:30 p.m. – my snack time. Of course, I didn’t realize this because I wasn’t wearing a watch, which incidentally, I own five watches all of which stopped working at the same time! What’s up with that?

O.K. I HAD to try the fudge. It was tasty, and I managed to avoid plopping any of it in my cart because I remembered I was on a mission. I passed the sheet cake… “Have your cake and eat it too by filling your prescriptions here.” Russell grabbed a hunk as I moved toward the vitamins.

By the time I neared the produce section, I saw the caravan of sweet elderly women hawking their wares. First there was tilapia, then pasta salad, then egg rolls, I lost count after the bacon and cheese hunks.

What exactly does it mean to have a taste or nibble of something? Is a handful too much, and who’s hand is doing the measuring? Do I have to keep my fingers cupped together or can I spread them out, wedging tortilla chips between my fingers to create a bigger area to hold the goodies?

If there are multiple samples on one table, do you have to count the calories of each item you try, or are the second and fourth taste free of guilt? If the nice lady wearing the plastic gloves and hair net gives you two pieces, aren’t you obligated to eat them both? If you stab three pieces of cheese with your toothpick instead of one, sheerly by accident, do you have to share with your child?

This is all very complicated, but I think I’ve come up with a simplified three-step strategy:

1. If you need to have something to drink to wash it all down, you’ve consumed too much and should plan on eating Styrofoam at dinner to compensate for the added calories.

2. If you can’t talk around your “nibble” to thank the nice lady for the sample, you probably need to track the item you just shoved down your gullet. And…

3. Stay away from all warehouse retailers on Friday afternoon. Your wallet and waistline will thank me later!

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