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I feel out of sorts. I’m not quite sure what’s going on. I feel like I don’t have enough time to do what I need/want to do. Everyone’s mojo suffers from time to time, right?

I’ve been contemplating some pretty big personal questions lately. Realizing that some of the beliefs I previously held aren’t working for me anymore. I touched on a bit of that the other day when I talked about my childhood thoughts of what I always believed to be good or bad. That is still kind of rumbling around in my head. I haven’t sorted it all out yet, and I know I have to be patient…not one of my best attributes.

I like to make a decision, and then poof, problem solved. I wish life worked that way. When I was a kid, every time I said, “I wish,” my dad would say, “Wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up faster.” That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! What’s the point?

I think it was an attempt to keep me grounded…encourage me to take responsibility for my actions, not to be overly dependent on others for my happiness. But I also wonder if it stifled my ability to dream. I’m sure that was not the intent, but isn’t it interesting how deeply we carry childhood memories into our adult lives?

I wish I had all the answers. I wish life was easy. I wish I never had issues with weight. I wish the economy was better. I wish I didn’t have to hold my twin babies until they died. I wish I didn’t worry so much. I wish I could see the real me all the time. I wish I appreciated my loved ones more. I wish I’d win the lottery. I wish I wasn’t so critical. I wish I only saw the good. I wish I could take away the pain people feel. I wish I didn’t feel so damn responsible all the time. I wish I would have followed my dreams 20 years ago instead of trying to figure out what they are now. I wish…

I feel like I’m on the precipice of something potentially life-altering. I think that is why I feel so discombobulated. Part of me wants to run and hide and busy myself with ridiculous mundane tasks so I can overlook what’s coming and let it pass me by. However, I have learned within the last few years that when I open myself to change, some pretty amazing things occur. Deep in my heart, I know I need to be silent and wait.

I must fight the urge to flee and be comfortable with the uncomfortable for a little while. I need to give myself the grace to be still and open to what may lay ahead. I will not stuff the feelings down with food, and I will be kind to myself and loved ones while I anticipate what is next.


9 Responses

  1. “When I was a kid, every time I said, “I wish,” my dad would say, “Wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up faster.” That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! What’s the point?”

    My dad would say the exact same thing… my take-away was that the shit in life comes at you in higher quantity than the wishes… lol

  2. You might be on to something!

  3. When I was a kid, I never said “I wish”……but if I said “I want” my grandmother would say, “People in jail want out”.

    Personally, I always thought it was just kinda mean of her, like a kid at school that pretends to be your friend but makes fun of you. lol

    In many ways we were all raised with a world view that is no longer valid (if it ever was). I’ve gone through several major “resets” to my thinking over the years, both in terms of my spirituality and in the way I see the world and my place in it. (no babies for me after all, no family of my own, what the heck am I here for? ) I’m leaving “Crazy Old Cat Lady” on the table as an option.

    I’m kinda going through another one right now, I think. It might be interesting to see where I end up.

    Being kind is completely ignored in our world and hugely underrated. The beauty lf being a grown-up is that I can now be the kind of parent-figure to myself that I always wanted and needed. It doesn’t mean I get to eat or do everything I want, but it does mean I treat myself with kindness. And if I’m kind to myself, and I’m getting what I want and need it’s so much easier to be kind to others. You just can’t give what you don’t have.

  4. I want…people in jail want out…wow, that’s a new one. I find it interesting thinking about the old tapes that exist on some level. You are absolutely right about experiencing a new world view. I like being able to choose differently.

    I know I need to be kind to myself first. It’s good to be reminded of that on occasion.

  5. wow… you are still have such an amazing way with words.
    “discombobulated” is a good word. but don’t put too much stock in wishing, though.
    I was raised to wish away — sometimes at the expense of reality. All in your perspective, I think.
    Today, I wish my bi-polar son would find the strength to get out of bed; I wish my husband would finally understand what it means to be bi-polar, I wish….
    I wish for peace, tranquility and positive energy for you.

  6. You have to be able to imagine a thing before you can make it into reality, so wishes aren’t all pointless. The trick is figuring out what you need to do to take them from the realm of imagination into the realm of reality, and knowing when a thing is and is not possible so you don’t waste your time worrying about what you can’t fix, regretting the past which can’t be changed, or chasing something that will forever elude you. What that wish in one hand and **** in the other means to me isn’t a shoot down of dreams; it means that actions get things done. You have to do something if you want something; just wishing for it very rarely works. Wishing does give you a place to aim yourself.

  7. Thanks for sharing.

    Jane – I’m sending you some white light. I certainly wish life was easier.

    Kathy – I like the idea that wishing gives you a place to aim!

  8. Melissa
    I believe that there are many in life that are only surviving and not living. I to find my self “Discombobulated” at times. I think everyone does at different times in their lives but it is finding our way back that is sometimes difficult. Not being able to find the answers to our questions or we have so much rambling in our heads we can’t get it to be quiet.
    Sounds like you have gone through some really life changing experiences. From those experiences when we get to a place that it seems that we can’t find our direction again is hard. I don’t have the answers but I am finding that by writing them down as you have does help.
    Also I have just started a book called the Rhythm of Life by Matthew Kelly. I haven’t gotten that far but I know others that have read it and they say it is a great book.
    He also wrote another one that I also ordered and want to read called The Seven Levels of Intimacy.
    I have read through your blog and you writing is very fluent although I know you are dealing with a lot of things, you have a humorous side.
    I also agree with Kathy that “wishes aren’t all pointless,” nor our dreams.

  9. I like what you have to say about surviving vs. living. Quiet is also key to me. When I allow myself to sit and be quiet, I can hear the things I need to be listening to. Thanks for the book suggestion. I’ll check it out.

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