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Shine On!

I didn’t begin this journey with a goal of living in the light. It just evolved. It began simply with the desire to do the right thing, which I came to believe is very subjective. I don’t pretend that my sense of moral obligation is similar to anyone else; that is quite irrelevant. I simply need to respect the path of others and live authentically.

I never thought the light was for me. Mostly, I felt a little too bitchy to experience that much ease with myself or others. I assumed people must act or behave in a certain way in order to find grace…that peaceful wiggle room that I talk about on this blog.

I always got the impression that I was funny, well at least people told me I cracked them up, but maybe they were laughing AT me. Actually, I think they looked at me, and thought, “I can’t believe she just said that,” as if my filter wasn’t attached to my brain. When I got those looks, it made me jittery because the scary part was, they were witnessing my filter. If they only knew what I was really thinking…

For a long time I viewed many of my thoughts as too far off the beaten path to be reasonable. I wasn’t ok, and my thoughts were far from normal…just lock them up. So many ideas were flying through my head, and people expressed surprise at the notions I shared. I got the message perhaps I needed to keep my mouth shut which if you know me; you know is simply impossible!

However, I began to share bits and pieces of what really went through my head, and I discovered that other people could relate. Often, I verbalized what other people thought but were too scared or mature (I’m not sure which) to put out there for others to hear. Perhaps if I found this common ground, I wasn’t from another planet after all?

This brought me acceptance and appreciation for myself, but that wasn’t enough. I had to find a way embrace my good traits. When I made that step, I began to shed the negative. The thoughts of inadequacy kept me isolated in a dark place. I still slide there from time to time, but I try to catch the matinee. Somehow it’s easier to recover when I come out and the sun is still shining.

Emotional eating is a symptom that the movie is about to begin. I can sit down with a huge tub of buttered popcorn and watch the show, but then what? Eventually, I have to leave the theater and drive home. I know it’s best to skip the movie and take a contemplative walk in the sunshine. Living in an authentic way, helps me realize this, and I don’t feel compelled to stay until the credits roll.

We are all good enough just the way we are. Sure there is room for improvement, but as living entities we merit space on this earth. Lasting change began when I embraced this fact and put my needs on the ever-growing to do list.

It is not selfish to give my needs priority. Interestingly enough, when I take care of me, it frees me to be a better person with the other people in my life. It gives me the space to see the good in myself and in others, and that’s when my light shines.

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One Response

  1. >> It is not selfish to give my needs priority. Interestingly enough, when I take care of me, it frees me to be a better person with the other people in my life. It gives me the space to see the good in myself and in others, and that’s when my light shines.

    And there it is, right there. One of my biggest lessons, too.

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