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Leave the Sugar Behind

I made some really horrible food choices last night. I put shit down my pie hole, and I felt like crap this morning! I know that is harsh and crude, but I need to fess up – no sugar coating. I indulged in enough of that last night!

I’m not sure what happened because I had a lovely day. I made great food choices for all three meals. My provisions were satisfying so there was no reason to lurk around the cabinets. I even enjoyed four ounces of wine – a real four ounces, not some amount I called a half a cup! Did I sense too much perfection which necessitated a kink thrown into the mix?

Whatever I did, I found myself eating cookies, then chocolate, then cookies…I played this ping pong game for about an hour and a half. I noticed momentary warnings heeding me to step away from the sweets, but I just jammed the positive thoughts down with more cookies. “Stupid is as stupid does.” Thanks, Forest. That line from the movie brings perfect logic now.

However, you’ve come to know me, and there’s always a bright side. The best one I can come up with is at least the cookies and chocolates were all teeny tiny Japanese treats so there weren’t tons of them, and it took me a while to eat. Cramming an entire Three Musketeers in my mouth is a three-bite adventure, but this was like cutting a candy bar up in teensy pieces which takes much longer to eat. There’s my silver lining. Oh, and now the cookies are gone!

A friend and I were talking yesterday about poor food choices we make now that we are at our goal weight. Neither one of us is at the number we want to be, but technically, we are good enough. When I was in the process of losing the weight, my memories tell me that I exhibited more determination than what I do now.

Although, I remember other setbacks along the way when I lost weight for the final time – yes I do mean final. Actually, I experienced a yearlong detour after re-gaining about 30 pounds during that journey. I re-focused and dropped the final 50 to get to goal. What happened during that yearlong hiatus? Looking back, I think my mind needed the opportunity to catch up with my body. A new woman kept walking through the door, and I needed to get to know her before I let her take up residence.

I believe she is here to stay, but I still manage to sabotage her from time to time. I hope there comes a day when I no longer feel the need to do this. I guess the difference between now and a hundred pounds ago is that my lapses are shorter than they once were. I no longer feel the need to gain 30 pounds or more to prove to myself that I am a work in progress. I know this passage requires long term commitment. I learn things about myself every day. It is up to me to retain the knowledge in order to move forward.


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