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And The Award Goes To…

Me. I’m proud of me today. I wanted to eat a house, multiple times actually. Had it been covered in chocolate I might have surrendered, but as of 8:30 p.m., my house is still standing as are my neighbors’.

It’s been tough, but I keep circling back to my goals of 2012 that I posted earlier in the week. I do believe that it is worth the effort to take care of my body and soul, and I am convinced that sugar will be my life-long enemy. I’m not always sure about the beauty or the strength things I jotted down, but I think those goals are at least worth working toward.

As I sat in my office today at 1:30 p.m. with absolutely fucking nothing crossed off my to-do list, I tried to convince myself that a sweet treat from down the street would alleviate stress and increase my productivity. Hell, the walk to buy this bit of yummiliciousness would actually be good for me, and if I got something with nuts or dark chocolate, those ingredients have been proven to contain things like omega 3s and flavonoids.

Stop.

I chewed some gum, munched on raw veggies and gave myself permission to go in an hour if I still wanted the sugar that in my world resembles crack. Tick. Tick. Tick.

I still wanted the fix, but I asked myself what I really needed? No stress. Was a brownie or biscotti or cookie going to rid me of stress? Damn. I stuck a fresh piece of gum in my mouth and later snacked on a boiled egg when I knew I was really hungry.

I revisited another a brief moment when I walked through the door this evening. The house was quiet and would be for hours since my guys went skiing. I’ve accomplished some of my best binge eating when I was alone. Woo hoo, let the party in my mouth begin. I passed the calendar on my way to the snack cabinet. I saw the stars lining each day of the New Year; little awards recognized my effort at taking better care of myself. I wanted another star…so, here I sit writing about my feelings instead of eating them.

May I have two stars, please?

5 Responses

  1. I like the stars concept. Good for you! Yes, please take two. You deserve them.

  2. Thanks Jennifer. It feels good to be back on track.

  3. I’d give you three stars.

    I’m having the same little debate right now. I’m stressed, so I want to eat. What I really need to do, however, if finish he project that is stressing me out, and eating is not going to move me closer to that goal.

    It helps to know others struggle – and that others overcome!

  4. It’s so hard. Food has been my crutch for so long, but I want to change that story

  5. Reblogged this on The Reluctant Weight Watchers Foodie and commented:
    I had a moment like this last night. It was a stressful week and a stressful weekend and although I took a sleep aid, I still ended up laying in bed awake for 3 hours. All sorts of thoughts were circling my head, tears were leaking out of my eyes and plans of making a midnight McD’s run for crappy food or raiding the fridge to eat away my emotions were starting to form in my brain. But I didn’t do it. I went to the bathroom, cried it out a bit, gave it to God, took a few deep breaths and finally went to bed. And dammit, I deserve two stars too.

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