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Step Off the Train

Vacation has been sweet. It’s taken several days to truly decompress. There were no big vacation trips, just time with my mom, which has been delightful even though my son managed to give her a kick ass cold shortly after she arrived.

Lazy mornings and empty agendas fill our days. It’s been exactly what I needed, and it’s provided time to breathe, think, readjust.

I hopped off the crazy train of must dos and gave myself a chance to reflect on what has been happening in my mind and soul. I wrote yesterday that I felt a little squirmy, and the wiggles are still present, but confidence seems to percolate beneath the surface too.

I can’t help but turn thoughts toward my attitudes about weight and food and body image and how they mingle and blend and haunt. A hundred pounds ago, I may have eluded myself to believe that the weight was about food, but I’m acutely aware now, it is not quite that simple. I wonder if the small amount of weight that I’ve struggled with for the past year serves more as a reminder that I haven’t been quite ready to embrace the fact that I’m good enough just the way I am. I, just me as I stand today, am good and right with the world. It causes my stomach to flip even as I type the words.

When I yo-yo, it provides constant admonishment that I haven’t quite arrived and tells me that I haven’t got things quite right, and perhaps I will never get where I need to be. But, I’m tired of playing that tape – it’s a load of shit – and I think it keeps me from reaching other goals I may have.

This particular struggle serves no purpose except to keep me stuck in an uncreative, tentative place. It seems obvious to me as I sit in my jammies spending some of my vacation with myself and my thoughts, but I need to find a way to capture and hold onto this awareness when I reenter the real world. Everyone gets anxious or outright whack-a-doodle, but some seem better at pulling it together before implosion, which for me generally comes at the same time grab for my own detonator otherwise known as triple chocolate lava cake. Where exactly would food for thought fit?

2 Responses

  1. Hi, Melissa! I just found your blog. First of all, I miss you. As I read your entries, I kept thinking about what an amazing person you are. Regardless of the weight loss which is awesome….you are amazing and funny. I’m glad I am privileged enough to call you my friend. Pi Phi Love (haha)

  2. I had someone recently share wtih me the notion that I should just accept the yo-yo nature of my diet and that when I realize I am going to have one bad day for every 15 good ones, I will not find myself struggling as much. I’ll be accepting of the situation for what it is. We don’t have to beat ourselves up about it as long as we are mostly doing what is right.

    I don’t know how you could purchase just one slice of chocolate lava cake (maybe you can, and not have to buy a whole one) but I have started buying chocolate from the bulk foods section at the grocery store. When I want to eat Hershey kisses, I do. I just don’t buy more than I would want to consume in one sitting. Sometimes I buy two. Sometimes I buy ten. I do notice, however, that no matter how many I buy, I do eat them all in one sitting. And, if I do only buy two, I try to savor the flavor for as long as it stays in my mouth. I always want more after the two are gone, but alas, it was not meant to be.

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